Artificial Jashin Chat
by autographontheradio
Summary: Sasori tastes like boot polish and Kakuzu really needs to get laid. Deidara and Tobi hack into Hidan's email account to see where all this Jashin crap thats sent to Deidara in the form of spam and FWs is coming from. The result scars them for life.


**One on one chat with Jashin**

**Deidara and Tobi hack into Hidan's email, basically. **

FW: 50 REASONS WHY _YOU _SHOULD JOIN JASHIN!

_report spam. _

FW: YET ANOTHER TEN REASONS WHY _YOU_ SHOULD JOIN JASHIN!

_report spam. _

FW: GET 10 PERCENT OFF SELF-STABBING SPEARS WHEN _YOU _JOIN JASHIN TODAY!

_report spam. _

FW: WHY PAGANS SHOULD DIE

_report spam. _

FW: PAGANS, Y SO SRS? SPREAD THE WORD BY MUTILATING A PAGAN TODAY!

_report spam. _

HEY DEIDARA-CHAN YOU ASSHOLE I BET YOU HAVENT READ THESE EMAILS

_unread, delete. _

"Hey, sempai," Tobi unexpectedly appeared out of nowhere to his senior's shoulder. "Watcha doing?"

"Deleting things." came Deidara's short reply, then added, "And something for your eyes not to see." moving the screen away from Tobi's prying eye. Tobi may look dumb (somehow, in which Deidara had never seen his face before, so it was either ugly or ...horrid looking to be covered up) Tobi cocked his head in a innocent way of confusion.

"But I want to see. I won't tell..." Tobi could be nosy at times. Not to mention that was inflicted into one of his main traits besides being annoying and unwelcomely happy all the time - dibber dobbing. "I promise I'll tell Leader, but not Hidan." Tobi put a gloved finger to his lips, or mask, depending which side of the mask you were on. Deidara griped his hand on the mouse.

"No you asshole! You don't tell anyone, un!"

"But Leader has to know," Tobi protested.

"He'll find out, anyway," Deidara said pointedly, waving a hand in the air. "He moniters the computers all the time." Actually, Deidara wasn't_ sure_ on that one. For some reason Deidara was always declined internet access after a good night surfing for (artistic) erotica on DeviantART. Kisame told him that always happened to him, getting blocked access. Shrugging off the idea he turned towards Tobi who looked curious, hence the mask perspective again, head to the side faintly. When Tobi wasn't acting like he was Leader of Akatsuki/singing loud in the shower/pissing everyone off in general he decided that since Tobi was kind of stupid in his opinion, so a few good threats about feeding him to Kisame would be heard if he dibber dobbed.

"Fine. You know now how to use email, right?"

"You mean that electronic transferring device that the younger generation use instead of hawks years ago?" Tobi asked.

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Honestly, you act like a friggin' old man sometimes. How old are you? Three hundred?"

"Close enough."

"And then its a bit obvious you don't know _how to use_ email?"

"...Eh?" was all Tobi could think of.

"Well, sometimes we use the internet, and email, hopefully you know what the internet is, seriously, to keep in touch and all sorts of other things. Kakuzu uses internet banking, un, Pein uses it to keep touch on missions and watch random villages via webcam, I use eBay to buy and blow up Andy Warhol originals, etc... we all use the internet for a purpose. But someone who truly wastes our internet usage and money is Hidan..."

"How?"

Deidara exited his email window and opened Firefox. Pein pointed out that Firefox was the best, not Internet Explorer, and it helped block viruses better than said IE, (with help from Norton). He got redirected to the homepage, Google, and typed in "Jashin".

"We all made sure that there was no such thing as Jashin when Kisame and I looked it up on the internet before Hidan discovered that the Akatsuki base had a computer. Now, Hidan uses it just as much as us, and Jashin has come up everywhere. He's changed all our desktop wallpapers to Jashin patterns somehow, and since then Jashin has appeared all over the internet, just like Kira and the Death Note phenomenon. Look at these, hmm..." Deidara moved a little over to accomdate Tobi, who had fetched a chair from nearby, still drinking in Deidara's words. "He's advertised Jashin everywhere. Naruto Forums, DeviantART, Livejournal, even Wikipedia."

"What's Wikipedia?" Tobi asked.

Deidara signed back into his email, and showed Tobi the contents in his Trash Can. "Look at all this. Useless shit from Hidan about Jashin... and yet the only _proof _I've seen in existence that Jashin is apparently real is that Hidan gloats about it and the fact he can't die. If we hack into his emails, we can try and found out where he gets his crap from!" Deidara nodded, which Tobi just stared at the screen.

"Hack? You mean like a show hack... _Ow_!" Deidara hit Tobi on the head.

"You don't know a thing! Go get a dictionary!" Deidara ordered, Tobi wandering off to find one. Now he was out the way, Deidara felt free. He signed off his email, waited for the page to redirect to a login and password. He clicked "Forgot Password" and put in Hidan's details and his email address so the confidentials could pass to him.

Tobi came back complaining/whining about no dictionary just as Deidara had written a list of suggested passwords that Hidan could be using. The "secret" answer was: "Jashin" which of course was a little obvious.

Username: T43GR!MR3AP3R

Password:

...

"I think his password might be Jashin you know," said Tobi a matter-a-factly. Deidara nodded.

"Heh... I bet it is."

And so:

Username: T43GR!MR3AP3R

Password: Jashin

"Oh, would you look at that, I'm smart," Tobi cheered.

"You think you're so smart huh? What's the hardest word in the dictionary, un?"

"Diamond."

Good point. How smartass. Deidara was going to say "antidisestablishmentarianism" but its not exactly the hardest word, its just really hard to pronounce, that's all. Anyway, back what they were doing.

"Kakuzu and Hidan send hate mail to eachother all the time!" Deidara was reading a rather insulting email in Hidan's sent mail which was in capslock and the font was 5 times larger than default. "Pein gives him warnings. Kisame sends him pictures of sharks. Itachi sends pictures of his family to him... well, everyone... Zetsu and him discuss about who Hidan can kill and who Zetsu can eat from his kill... He gets off Jashin holidays? What the fuck!?"

"Its perfectly fine, its an Akatsuki custom law, isn't it?"

"Then I would get Februrary 22nd off. Thats when Andy Warhol went out with a bang."

"How mean!"

"Hmph." Deidara stopped bickering to look at the 1st email Hidan was ever sent, a Jashin themed-email. It contained a link into another site, which Deidara clicked on.

The screen loaded to a dark red page, a slightly glowing upside down triangle, a name to enter. Deidara wrote in his own name, and clicked enter.

"I heard its bad to put your own name in the internet."

"Shut up."

A text popped up, which both read:

_Deidara, _

_I am Jashin. I know everything. I will teach you these ways to know everything and anything- to survive immortality. Please write your email address in. _

_Jashin _

_P.S I know everything  
_

Deidara smirked, and started to write his email in. Tobi was shocked. "Sempai, don't!"

"I can do whatever I want, un."

Madara rolled his eyes. How was his going to explain what they were up to afterwards to Pein.

Deidara pressed back, signed out of the email and cleared history, back to his email. The Jashin email had already been sent to him. It contained a link to a chat with him and "Jashin" only.

"Sempai, I'm scared."

"Well, you shouldn't be. Except on places such as fanfiction dot net."

Jashin_: Hello, Deidara. _

Deidara was about to type back, when:

Jashin: _Hello, Madara_.

Deidara turned towards Tobi. "Haha. You're called Madara... Wait, I bet thats your real name!"

"Tobi's my real name," Tobi protested/lied.

Deidara_: How did you know our names_?

Jashin: _I know everything like I mentioned before_.

Deidara: _Do you know Hidan? _

Jashin: _Of course I do. You hacked into his email. _

Deidara_: I know. _

Jashin: _He's also a follower of myself. He will become a shinigami god when he passes on._

Deidara: _How can he die_?

Jashin: _Are you dying to know_?

Deidara: _Tell me_.

Jashin: _Don't forget to say please_.

Deidara: _Please_?

Jashin: _I'm not telling_.

Deidara_: I said please_!

Jashin_: No. Ask me any question, I will answer_.

Deidara turned to Tobi. "What should we ask, un!?"

Tobi frowned. "I'm not sure... this thing is weird."

"Oh come on," urged Deidara. "Do you have a sense of humour? Where is THE Tobi I knew?"

Tobi slumped in defeat. "Fine... Just ask it... whatever."

Deidara: _How's hell?_

Jashin: _Good, thanks._

Deidara: _If I stole a pen from a bank, would I get done for bank robbery?_

Jashin: _No, shoplifting_.

Deidara: _Who's the kindest in Akatsuki?_

Jashin: _Itachi._

Deidara: _In Akatsuki, who really, really, really, really needs to get laid? _

Jashin: _You and Kakuzu_.

Deidara: _Me...?_

Jashin. _Yes. The age of consent is 13, right by my watch? You haven't done_ it _yet._

"Stupid thing. How did he know? Anyway..." Deidara brushed off the fact that he was keeping celibate, "lets be stupid, un. Can you think of funny questions?"

Tobi shook his head. "No. You go ahead."

Deidara: _What does Hidan taste like?_

Jashin: _Blood and kitten fur.  
_

Deidara_: How many fingers am I holding up?_

Jashin. _Four._

Deidara: _No, its 5._

Jashin: _Your thumb isn't a finger_.

"What a smartass, un..."

Deidara: _Has anyone ever stopped on the street for an autograph?_

Jashin: _No.  
_

Deidara: _Fine. What did Sasori taste like_?

Jashin: _boot polish_.

Deidara: _Yeah, he smelt like it as well_.

Jashin_: I agree on that one. _

Deidara: _Have you ever sniffed a chair_?

Jashin. _No._..

Deidara: _Who would you turn gay for?_

Jashin_: Light Yagami_.

Deidara: _Is my art a bang?_

Jashin: _Yes._

Deidara: _Who's Madara_?

Jashin: _Tobi next to you._

Deidara: _lahhjdf8!!!!_

Tobi had knocked the keyboard from Deidara's hands.

Jashin: _I see he doesn't want you to know he's really the Leader of Akatsuki and-_

Tobi had activated his Mankeyou Sharingan, eye spinning into red, and it only took a second-

_Amateratsu!_

"So," Pein walked past the two now burnt ninjas before him, hands behind back, eyes closed, pacing. The eyes closed thing was only because Pein wanted to feel more demanding, more evil, as he never closed his eyes. "Which one of you caused the computer to melt?"

"He did!" Deidara and Tobi pointed at each other at the same time.

"Deidara..." Pein glowered at him. "Why?"

"It wasn't me, un!"

"That's washing dishes for a week," Pein snapped. "You know how much it cost to _BUY_ a computer?"

"...400 ryou?" said Deidara meekly.

"I don't know, ask Kakuzu. But thats besides the point. Look at poor Tobi, he had to put up with your explosions! Since when were you allowed to use the computer AND explosives? There's a list of RULES in the kitchen. Page 56, number 87, 029: Akatsuki using their powers INSIDE their own base will be _punished_."

"But-" Deidara stopped as a roar arrupted within the Akatsuki base.

"_WHY THE FUCK IS THE COMPUTER DEAD_?"

"You shouldn't blame us, you know, un," Deidara told Pein. "Blame Jashin."

"Jashin isn't real."

"Jashin is _real_. Me and Tobi-"

"Tobi and I." corrected Pein.

"Have proof Jashin is real. He melted the computer. So... Hidan can take the blame because he is nearest to Jashin?"

Pein rubbed his temples. "You know what? I've really had enough. Go to Kakuzu and go with him to get another computer. Tobi, stay here."

Deidara shot a filthy look at Tobi and left.

Pein sighed. "Alright. Who melted the computer?"

"I did. Jashin tried to tell Deidara about me," Madara said, now formal and into his alter-ego, the terrying Madara Uchiha.

Pein stared at Madara for a few seconds, then they both burst out laughing.

"Nice try, Jashin isn't real." Pein said casually, after their fit of laughter. "Anyway, we needed a new computer. Deidara's going to be a while. Deidara knows you don't drink, so why not catch up on a little leader-to-leader chat?"

"Yeah, and discuss how we can scare Deidara even a little more. I can think of another situtation now..."


End file.
